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#1109
Many years ago at a Thanksgiving dinner at my mother’s house we were sitting at the dining room table and my mother asked my sister to bring out the Turkey. As my sister entered the dining room she tripped and the turkey bounced on the floor. My quick thinking mother immediately told my sister “Pick up that turkey put it back on the platter carry it out to the kitchen and bring out the other one.”
#1088
I worked in a restaurant with my friend, Faith. Her table bought a very expensive and beautiful custom made birthday cake. After singing, Faith took the cake in the back to be cut. She rounded the bend in the kitchen area, stepped directly onto the newly washed and wet floor, both feet fly out from under her and the cake ends up SPLAT, perfectly upside down in an inch of the murky water. Sitting in an inch of dirty kitchen floor water, Faith starts fuming, “Oh my butt, oh the cake, oh my butt, oh the cake”.
Enter Chef Gary, who comes over with a sharp knife, cuts the cake above the water line and flips it back onto its base. He then takes it to the dessert area, slices it into 12 pieces, all with no tops, and adds freshly cut fruit, whipped cream and garnish to each plate. In trooper fashion, Faith limps over to the dessert area and takes the tray of plated cakes out to her table, figuring this is never going to fly. She serves the customers and one of the birthday men says: “Boy, when you do things here, you really do them with class. This is beautiful!” Faith got a 25% tip. (Years later she underwent back surgery as a result of the fall.)
#1087
My wife and I were having dinner at a 1950’s style Diner. Our waitress was one of those sassy ladies that work in these old fashion places and I was giving her a hard time in a jovial way, throughout our meal. When dinner was finished she asked if we wanted coffee. We said yes; I wanted decaf and my wife wanted regular. She came back with two identical mugs that she held by the handles in one hand. She slid one in front of me and the other to my wife. I asked her in a mockingly cynical way “How do you know which was decaf?” She said “I spit in the decaf when I filled your cup.”
#1086
Lunch, at our favorite restaurant in Jakarta, Indonesia is progressing nicely. Water starts dripping from the ceiling onto our table, our food, and on us. Quietly looking sidewise at other diners, we confirm they are experiencing the same “shower.” Everyone continues eating as if this is the usual dining experience…A small article in the following day’s English paper mentions the collapse of the ceiling in our favorite restaurant due to a broken water line.
#1085
Many years ago my husband and I stopped off at a chain restaurant. We were seated quickly and handed menus. It was then as if we ceased to exist. We watched as people were seated on either side of us, their orders taken and their food brought out. I kept looking at my husband with questioning looks. What is going on here?
Finally after some 30 minutes I found m self saying very loudly “It sure would be nice to be served sometime.” As the words slipped from my mouth I was thinking ‘Oh my God, I’ve turned into my mother.’ All eyes in the area looked at me and the waitress turned white with embarrassment. I’ve never seen a waitress and manager move so fast. In next to no time our order was taken and profuse apologies given. The lesson for me: maybe being like my mother is not such bad a thing after all.
#1084
I was a server at Cracker Barrel a few years ago and was carrying a huge breakfast tray filled with platters of soft-cooked eggs. When I was going out the door from the kitchen, another server was coming in, hit the exit door and tipped that tray over onto a woman and her white macramé purse! I can laugh about it now, but I cried then!
#1083
I was working in an upscale Sports bar that specialized in steaks. (Dantanna’s in Atlanta). I had 3 gentlemen on a business lunch join me at the bar. The first man ordered the 12 oz filet, while the second man ordered the Cowboy Ribeye. When I got to the last gentlemen and he ordered the 9 INCH filet, you can imagine the laughter. I don’t think he will ever live that down. Needless to say, the stuffiness of the business lunch went right out the window!
#1082
I moved to St. Louis from Buffalo and transferred to the Red Lobster south of the city. I had a table where everything was going wrong: from food missing from a meal, dinner arriving late because it was dropped on the floor and had to be re-cooked. Needless to say, they were super pissed. The mother in the party exclaimed, “I’ve done lost my appetite!”
It was an expression I hadn’t heard before. I idiotically asked, “Does that mean you’re hungry again?” She then got the manager to comp the entire bill and I got lesson in dialect.
#1081
I was taking the order for a large party. When I got to the matriarch, she handed me hot dogs wrapped in foil and asked if we could “cook them up for the kids.” I stood there holding the hot dogs, thinking that she actually premeditated the request. She packed them in her purse; there weren’t even sealed. This was definitely worse than the family who brought Taco Bell in for their kids to eat.
#1080
Once when I was eating a banana-split while my friend was also eating another banana-split and I noticed there was a fly on one side of my vanilla ice cream. We continued eating and when I got to the other side near the vanilla ice cream, I yelled, “there is a fly on my banana-split.” My friend and I got another free banana-split and we split it. We laughed and laughed and laughed.
#1079
I never used to use a pad and pencil when I waited tables. I just remembered the orders. I had just taken an order and was tending to another table who needed drinks, when a short chubby man interrupted me at the table. He was a customer who just paid his bill, he stuttered “My wife and I were wondering if you would be interested in going back to our hotel for a threesome?” Needless to say, I forgot all my orders.
#1078
Carol and I are bartending. We have a friendly, rivalrous banter going on. It keeps us occupied, mentally, while working. I love Carol to death. Today, the beer cooler is broken. It annoys our guests, but they’re good-natured about it.
Guest: Can I get another warm beer?
Just then, Carol walks up from the back with beers for restocking. She hands him one as I laugh at his question.
Carol: There you go. Much fresher than anything she’ll give you.
Me: Right. Thanks, Carol.
The guest takes a sip and grins.
Guest: Colder, too.
Me: That’s because she chipped it out of her icy heart.
The guest chokes on his beer. Carol whirls around.
Carol: What?!
Me (innocently): Nothing!
#1077
Me: Hi! Welcome to the (establishment name deleted, where sexual harassment is a way of life). What can I get you to drink?
Elderly Lady: I’ll have a sweet tea, and he’ll have unsweetened tea.
Me (returning): Here we are. Sweet tea for the lady, and unsweetened tea for the gentleman. Now, have you had a chance to review our menu?
Elderly Man: Miss, I asked for unsweetened tea.
Me: Yes, sir. (nodding and gesturing to the glass) This is unsweetened tea. Would you like to hear about our featured items?
Elderly Lady: No, honey, he wanted UNsweetened tea.
Me (confused): Yes, ma’am. And this is unsweetened tea in this glass here. Yours is sweet.
Elderly Man: Look, can I just get a glass of UNSWEETENED TEA?
Me (giving up): Sure. I’ll be right back.
Elderly Lady (as I walk away): What happened to the service around here?
#1076
I went to a dinner with friends who had fond memories of the place from a decade ago. We were treated to some of the worst food & service I’ve ever suffered through. The capper? Just as I found a long, spring-shaped strip of metal (which can only have come from an industrial can opener misalignment, explaining the canned taste of the home-made marinara sauce) the waiter asked, “How is everything?” I pulled the spring-thing from my pasta and held it high. He slunk off. At that point, everyone at the table fell apart laughing. I declined to pay for my meal, and didn’t get a fight. The place closed within a month.
#1075
I used to date a guy with a long, hard-to-pronounce last name. Try going into a noisy crowded restaurant and give that name. Of course you have to spell it, several times. So, instead, he had a restaurant name. The first time I brought him home to meet the family, about 8 of us went out to dinner. He got to the hostess stand first and gave his restaurant name. When it was our turn to be seated, the hostess announced on the loud speaker, “Hungry Party of 8″
We’ve been using that name ever since (no more boyfriend though)
#1074
I worked in a summer camp kitchen with a guy named Fred. He was always serious.
We were in the kitchen preparing for a really important dinner for our board of directors and high donors. I went up to Fred and said, “You look a little stressed. Do you know what I do when I’m stressed here?” I explained how I step into the sound-proof walk-in cooler and yell at the top of my lungs. He seemed intrigued, so I demonstrated. I spent about a minute or so biding my time. I came out and faked being out of breath (you know, from all the screaming.) I encouraged Fred to try it, and without hesitation he obliged.
What came next is hard to put into words. Sounds I can only describe as other-worldly emerged from the walk-in cooler. They certainly didn’t sound human. And they were loud. The sounds effortlessly penetrated the walk-in cooler door, carried through the kitchen and as though on a mission arrived at its final destination; the formal dining room.
Fred emerged from the walk-in cooler. Bombarded by kitchen staff laughter, he realized instantly that he had been had. Somehow being the focus of this prank had brought out a side of Fred we all grew to love.
#1073
My husband and I went to a restaurant and were seated right away, despite the long waiting line. The waitress said, “It pays to have a party of two.”
We placed our order and she brought our salads. Soon, several other parties were seated, served salads, and even dinner – before our dinner arrived.
The waitress told me, “The kitchen staff got overwhelmed and it should be out soon. We finished a second basket of rolls, while the other diners ate their dinners. When my husband noticed the other table had nearly finished their dinners, he announced to me that it was time to leave, but he still wanted to leave a tip. We picked up our daughter, and headed to a nearby restaurant to finish eating.
My husband and daughter ordered breakfast and I ordered dinner. My sister called and I began talking to her. The food arrived and looked good… on their plates, but soon I realized that I didn’t have a plate. I burst out laughing. It had happened to me again. Twice in one day, everyone else was eating and I hadn’t been served!!
When I was a little girl, I often pretended to be invisible. Now my sister was saying on the phone, “Well Jill, I guess you really are invisible.”
#1072
It is early into our life in Indonesia, and I am desperately trying to use my very limited Bahasa Indonesian language. My husband and I are eating breakfast at a local restaurant where no English is recognized. Phrasebook in hand, I order eggs with bread. Always preferring whole wheat bread, I find the word for brown, keep repeating it as I point to the word for bread on the menu. The waiter looks puzzled, so I say brown again, in his language, and finally he nods his head and disappeared.
When the eggs appear, they are accompanied by two slices of charcoaled bread, indistinguishable and definitely inedible. “You asked for brown, and you got it!” my husband reminds me.
#1071
My husband and I were at an upscale restaurant in Sherman Oaks, CA. I was HUGELY pregnant. We had ordered our meal and I started laughing about something and my water broke - all over. I don’t know if you have ever witnessed water breaking but it’s a lot. And it was everywhere. The waitress came back with the salads and I was cracking up and told her my water had broken.
She looked at me baffled, and said, “I will help block you while you walk out.” She wanted to help block the fact that my dress was dripping with water and that it was now see through. It felt like seventh grade when you start your period and your friends walk behind you to block the tiny spot on your clothes. When I stood up I laughed some more and whatever water hadn’t already come out did then.
#1062
Back in the day, during the transition from full-on smoking in restaurants to none, I got a call asking if we had a “no smoking section” in my restaurant, The Budapest Hungarian, on Fairfax in LA. I said, no, but we’d be glad to accommodate them by creating one when they arrived. They reserved for four on Saturday night. We questioned the clients who’d be adjacent and found other non-smokers. Ten minutes after I seated the special request party, one of their group lit up a noxious smelling pipe, instantly permeating the whole dining room. I was staggered.
I went to the table and said, “I’m flummoxed. You called and said you’d only dine here if we could provide a non-smoking area. We did, and now you’ve lit up a pipe which is gagging everyone in the room. I don’t understand, can you explain?” Without blinking, the guy with the pipe said, “No problem, I hate cigarette smoke, but pipes don’t bother me. Oiyy! I did tell him that although cigarette smoking was still legal in restaurants, pipes and cigars were not allowed, and he’d have to snuff the pipe, which he did. As soon as the incident was over, I called one of my restaurant owner pals and told him we had another story for the book we were going to write someday.
#1061
Some friends and I were enjoying a Friday night out in the hip, Adams Morgan section of Washington, DC. It was close to midnight and we were in the mood for some pizza and found a pizza restaurant with outdoor seating. We were given a table and our waiter took our order. About five minutes after that, while we were still waiting for the pizza, a police car pulled up in front of the restaurant.
They began to talk to another waiter who pointed to the restaurant door. The police begin walking to the door when out came our waiter. They spoke with him briefly and then turned him around, hand cuffed him, put him in their car and drove away. We were shocked, and of course had concerns such as “would we still get our pizza?” A manager came out who was unaware of what happened so we asked him if he could check on our Pizza and he asked, “Sure, let me get your waiter.” to which we replied “Our waiter was just arrested so I guess we need another.”
#1060
Some years ago, right after NYC instituted the no-smoking policy for restaurants and bars, I was dining al fresco at a Union Square restaurant with a friend. There was a couple dining near us with a vague European accent who were puffing away on their cigarettes, while I’m very smoke-sensitive (compounded by the fact that you’re trying to enjoy your meal in peace, quiet and good health!).
So my friend (who’s normally the hothead of the two of us) begged me not to “start up” with them, but I couldn’t breathe with their smoke — so I told them about the city ban, and they became combative. So much so that the woman came over to me, stuck her cigarette in my drink, and left — leaving me totally agog.
#1059
I was bartending and managing a restaurant in NYC and saw a small rat on a table.
The person had gotten up to use the bathroom and I would swear that rodent was sipping his scotch. I shooed him away and grabbed a busboy who ran for the sticky tape, that awful, inhumane stuff that they stick to, fully alive, and just kind of stare at you from.
I don’t know what you do with them once they’re stuck. I imagine he would try and bite me if I moved the tape, though I had a mini-daydream of cutting the tape perfectly around each foot so he could scurry off in “socks” unscathed. Regardless, the rat ran down the aisle of the main dining room and started playing hide and seek around and through people’s feet. I kept thinking how off putting it would be for the patrons to see the rat get stuck on that tape and watch it squeal. We would be paying for meals and therapy.
I like to think he was sent to a farm, where he could run free with other small, not so gross looking rats.
#1058
Years ago, my wife and I were with friends in a restaurant when all of a sudden we heard someone yelling, “Duck. Duck.”
We all scrambled expecting an avalanche of dishes.
Instead, one of the waitresses came over to say hi. Turns out she worked at a summer camp with me - where my nickname was “Duck.”
#1057
I was a waitress at The Occidental in Washington D.C., 1987. I was waiting on a four-top of gentlemen, business lunch. The Occidental was and still is decorated with several hundred 8 x 10 photos of movie stars and politicians, including every President that has dined there since 1906 (it closed in the 60’s, reopened 1986 and they brought the photos back). One of the four men, very good looking, asked me about who was in all the photos.
I simply replied “Movie stars/well known DC business people and politicians.” He asked me what the difference was between the “well known” and the politicians, I replied, “Oh, you know, politicians are just full of hot air.” They chuckled, I went back to the kitchen where the manager told me to be sure to take extra good care of that table. I asked why. As he stared at me in disbelief, he said, “You didn’t know that was JFK Junior you were just talking too?”
#1056
Once while ordering Calamari in a restaurant, I asked the waitress how the calamari was cut. “Is it rings or is it the kind with the legs?”
She then said, “I don’t know, let me go ask the chef.” When she returned she said, “It’s the kind without the testicles!”
#1055
My mother and I took a tour of the south to look at potential colleges when I was a junior in high school. After visiting the University of Richmond we stopped in the city to grab dinner and somehow did not realize the restaurant was swanky based on the exterior. Once inside, our waiter sat us down, gave us dinner rolls, menus and water. To our horror, when we opened the menu we saw we could not even afford a salad to split between the two of us. At this point, we were starving so my mother devised a plan. She would tell the waiter I had a migraine and bolt to the car, while I hung out in the bathroom for a bit and then snuck away to meet her outside at the car.
I found her there 5 minutes later laughing her head off! We laughed all the way to the Wendy’s down the street where we shared a meal completely from the Dollar Menu. It was one of the best meals I have ever had with my mother!
#1054
Our manager helped to chop up jalapeno peppers one busy evening. Then he went to the men’s room. He was back on the floor when his private part began to burn up. He ran back to the men’s room, took his private part out and began to throw water on it from the sink.
Two customers walked into the men’s room while he was doing this.
#1053
T and I went to the grocery store. She suggested I go get the olive oil. As I got to the aisle where I needed to go, I noticed someone had broken a bottle. I went down another aisle. T arrived at the aisle where I was supposed to be, and saw a store employee cleaning up the broken bottle of oil and another guy grumbling and mumbling and generally throwing a fit. The cranky man saying, “What’s the problem? It’s not that difficult to pick a bottle of olive oil. Just pick one and get going. T immediately assumed that I had been the one to break the bottle of olive oil.
So T confronts the guy, “She’s blind!”
Perplexed, he asks, “Who? What are you talking about?”
“She’s legally blind. She can’t see very well! She didn’t do it on purpose.”
The man of course was completely confused.
He defiantly protests, “What? I was talking about myself! I can’t figure out which olive oil I was supposed to get.”
Why not dig the hole deeper? So she asks the guy, “So did she pick up any?”
You can imagine this poor man’s head exploding, never having seen me, let alone known of my existence, peeved at being yelled at and falsely accused, and most likely still confused as to why and about what.
#1052
I have been a waitress for the last three years. On my second night of serving, I encountered a situation that I never thought I would have to deal with. The other servers decided to seat me a very unique table. From the first glance, I noticed that the children had some issues. As soon as I got into the back to get their drinks, my friend Kelly whispered to me, “Do you know that your table is an incest family?”
Unable to comprehend what I just learned, I shrugged away the comment and went back to doing my job. While at the table, I heard the parents refer to each other as brother and sister. Immediately, I ran to the back of the restaurant into an area that we call the walk-in and laughed hysterically. Somehow I managed to keep a straight face the whole time. Now whenever a new waitress comes to work, we initiate them by giving them the unique family.
#0003
I was eating candy and began to feel ill. I told my parents I thought there was something wrong with it and they told me it was fine, and that it was only in my head. So, I decided to eat some more. No joke, after eating only a few pieces, I immediately got so sick that I threw-up in my hand (because there was no where else for it to go.) I went and told my parents, “Well, there’s definitely something wrong with the candy.” They agreed.
Updated: August 28, 2009
