General Archives
Go back to All Archives
General Archives
#1182
When I was very pregnant with my third child, my other two children were 2 1/2 and 9 months. My hubby and I also had friends staying with us and I watched their 2 1/2 year old so they could work without paying for daycare. I ran all the errands for the household, and one day the baby shifted and I had to go to the bathroom NOW!
I stepped on it, but I just knew I would never make it. Then a cop got behind me and I decided I was almost to the gas station I was just going to have to keep going until I got there.
As I pulled in I realized I might make it but not if I had to get all the babies out of car seats. So when the cop pulled in behind me I jumped out of my car, (you should have seen his jaw drop at the size of my preggo belly!) and then tossed him my keys and said “Write me a ticket when I get out! Watch the kids while I pee!” I ran inside and left the cop standing there completely dumbfounded. But, I made it, and I didn’t even get a ticket! LOL
#1181
I was driving to class after attending a student government breakfast at the Denver capital building. Of course I was running late. I was in the left lane when I noticed a state patrol car in the right lane. I glanced at my speedometer and noticed I was going 72 in a 55 mph area. Oops.
I got pulled over. He asked me what the hurry was and I told him. He told me that it would take at least 20 minutes to write up the ticket. I had no idea it would take so long! I went white as a sheet thinking about what my parents would say when they heard about this.
He checked my license, came back to the car, looked at me, looked at my license and did both again. I held my breath. I must have looked very miserable because he told me it was better to be late for class than get into an accident, then he got back into his car and drove off. I sat there for several minutes amazed at what had just happened and yes I was late for class.
#1180
In 1993, while in college, a group of us made a road trip to St. Louis, MO to see a Cardinals game and gamble on the new riverboat. At that time the riverboats had scheduled “voyages” and you had to board and a particular time. After the game we headed to the boat, which was across the river in Illinois, and got lost. While trying to find the riverboat we got pulled over for speeding in the train yards of East St. Louis.
We explained the situation to the officer and told him we only had 15 minutes to make the boat. Since the riverboat was such an important tax revenue (paying his salary) he gave us a ticket then a police escort (lights and all) to the boat, making U-turns, driving over medians and racing trains. It was amazing! To top it off, I won $400 on the boat and paid off the ticket with it.
#1179
I make it a game when I get pulled over. Not between myself and the officer, but between myself and the people driving by. They enjoy rubber necking , and I enjoy waving at them, blowing them kisses, and just doing my best to give them something to look at (since they’re not looking at the road as they should.)
#1154
My mom is an extremely KIND woman, always following the rules, never driving over the speed limit, hand on 10 and 2, the whole nine. One time, she was driving home from work and apparently was going over the speed limit just a little bit.
All of a sudden, she sees a cop behind her and on the loudspeaker telling her to pull over. Not understanding him, she just kept going faster (she thought he was telling her to do that!) So it ended up looking like a high speed chase, when in actuality, she thought she was doing what the cop was telling her.
#1153
I owned several large snakes and had purchased a feeder rat that had escaped out of the bag and into my car. Thought it had left until I was pulled over 2 weeks later…when I leaned over and opened the glove compartment, a HUGE rat literally flung himself out of the glove box!
It was like the rat catapulted out of the box, arched into the air, and started running around.
The cop said something like, “Holy crap what the heck was that!”, as I immediately tried to catch it. It got away (still in the car) and the cop was frazzled, but he continued to write me a ticket while I tried to find it. Next thing you know there are 2 more cop cars pulling up, and all standing around laughing at the story.
#1152
Our backyard was right on a canyon so we noticed a lot of wildlife. Just as my husband and I were both nodding off to sleep, we heard the shaking of leaves. My husband went to shine a light on whatever had made the noise - it sounded rather large.
It turned out to be not one, not even two, but a family of seven raccoons feasting on ripe figs.
As Mark is a videographer by trade, he grabbed his rig and I shone a light on the family as Mark videotaped them munching away. They would look up from their meal every now and again as if to say, “Scram, you bother me!”
After he was finished videotaping, Mark shooed them away. The dad - the largest one - looked back over his shoulder and gave a little irritated growl just before he disappeared with his family down the dark canyon.
#1151
When I get asked to dance by some cheese ball when I am in a club, I always tell them that I cannot dance with them because I am retaining too much fluid. They are usually too confused to argue with me and just walk away.
#1150
I took my mother to a senior citizens health fair, where she was asked a few interview questions. Among them: “What is your age?”
My mother must have hesitated for a moment, because the interviewer then suggested, “Should I just say ‘over 65′?” Her quick reply, “Just say ‘over the hill!’”
#1149
I remember one night I wanted to hang out with this girl, because I had a major crush on her. So when I asked her if she wanted to come over she tells me; “I really don’t think I can. I heard this new song on YouTube and I am addicted to it.” What is that?!
#1148
Just last month I got a new dog, a chocolate lab named “Ladie” who loves to chew on everything. It was so embarrassing when I had to walk into my dentist’s office and order a new lower denture plate because my dog had literally eaten my teeth!
#1147
My husband possesses a well-honed repertoire of excuses to avoid taking vitamins, which include:
“I’m too empty” (said before meal).
“I’m too full” (said after meal).
“I’ll take them when I’m finished eating” (said during meal; then refer to #2).
“Not before sleeping. They might get stuck in my throat.”
“The floor’s too cold” (when vitamins were in the kitchen and he was barefoot).
“I drank all my water” (and, of course, that was the last remaining water on the planet).
“I can’t reach them” (when struck by the Amazing Shrinking Arm Syndrome).
“I think they upset my stomach.” (Certainly couldn’t have been that box of cookies he woofed down.)
When all else fails, he’ll pick through the collection, hold one up and inquire suspiciously, “What’s this? I don’t remember this one.” Can’t slip that poison pill to him, no Sir-ee!
#1098
Some years back my husband (now my ex) and I moved into a house that “needed some work.” We enlisted the help of a few friends and we all set about selecting a room and painting it. We were all working furiously in our rooms, painting like mad. I walked down the hall to get a drink of water and passed the room my husband was “painting.” He was sitting on the floor, brush in hand, back against the wall with his legs stretched out in front of him.
“Jeffery!” I said, more than a little agitated. “WHAT are you doing? You are supposed to be painting, LIKE THE REST OF US!” “I know,” he said. “But I was imagining what it would look like when it was finished.” Any question why he is now my ex?
#1097
After one show in small town Canada, two stand-up comics exit the bar. They look down in the snow and see a guy passed right out. One comic says “We have to move this guy or he’ll freeze, the bars locked up what the hell are we going to do?” The other comic comes up with a great plan…”Hey let’s look for some I.D , we’ll throw him in the back seat and give him a ride home.” He couldn’t walk a step and his speech was even worse. He was totally WASTED!! Finally after dragging this poor guy about a block the two reach the car and fold and load this guy in. They got the address and away they went to do the “Good Deed.” The two dragged their Good Deed to the door and said to the guys wife, “We think he lives here?”
The woman was so grateful “Oh you brought my husband home, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!” As the two heroes were walking away….She yelled from the house, “Hey you guys didn’t happen to see his wheelchair did you?” (This may sound like a joke but it really happened but the two comics didn’t want to be mentioned.)
#1096
Today I went to the dentist to get a crown fitted for my molar. I was innocently sitting, mouth wide open, when all of a sudden I felt something in my throat. Thinking it was it saliva, I was about to swallow when my dentist sounded the alarm. Instinctively, I coughed, and the crown, perched at the back of my throat, propelled out of my mouth at lightning speed. The dentist paled at the prospect of what could have been. It all happened so fast and it looked so ridiculous as it hurled out my mouth that …. I HAD TO LAUGH!
I laughed so hard, partly out of relief, partly out of the humor of it. The fact that I could laugh, diffused a potentially stressful situation for us both. Thanks to the laughter practice, I am able to gain perspective in a situation. After all, if I am going to be able to laugh about it in a year’s time, then I may as well laugh about it now. The dentist was relieved and wanted to hug me for my understanding and tolerance and honestly, I was grateful that I had averted a situation and was not in the least bit upset. Laughter is a great tool for stress relief and helps me glide through my day with joy instead of oy!
#1095
The other day I was driving around running errands with my sister and her nine-year-old nephew. It was one of the really hot and sunny days in the last couple of weeks. Tired of going to pointless stores, the little boy named Kyle wanted to wait in the car. I agreed to stay with him. All of a sudden he shouts, “It’s really hot in here!” I jokingly responded, “That is because I am in here.” Kyle didn’t get the joke so he irritably screamed, “Then get out of the car!!!”
#1051
When I was approaching 50, I found myself suddenly divorced and facing life as a single woman again. My daughter and son-in-law were simultaneously deployed, leaving me as sole caregiver for my 2-year old grandson. One day, he was watching TV and I was out front watering my plants and chatting with my neighbors, all of whom were outside on this beautiful southern California day. Suddenly my front screen door swings open, shattering my serenity. My beloved grandson, Marcus, comes barreling out. He’s excited and beaming from ear to ear. Nothing unusual for a 2-year old, right?
But wait, what’s that in his hand? NO! He’s holding my bright red adult female “toy” (To him, it’s a “toy.”) Of course it was turned on and humming away, bright lights flashing. It seemed to take me forever to run those few steps to Marcus who was at the other side of the yard. But of course, before I can reach him, he thinks we’re playing a game and makes a break for it, running down the sidewalk, relentlessly yelling. Finally - after what seems like an eternity, I reached him! I grab it out of his tight-fisted, little hand and shove it under my shirt. (which is white, so anyone who is witnessing this horror can still see the bright, flashing lights.)
#1046
Once upon time, I was called to do jury duty. I filled out the necessary paper-work. I lost a few pounds, and felt there was no need to buy clothing. Besides, the weight lost was noticeable only to me. The day to serve arrived. I dressed, second thought about my half-slip. It was big, but I figured tuck-it-and-forget-it.
I arrived at the court. I went through the process, knew I wouldn’t be picked. To my surprise, I was chosen as a juror. I was getting my last minute instructions. I stood, listening, and my slip fell to the floor. I tried to play it down. I was still standing as the conversation stopped. The court officer turned to see why I wasn’t moving toward the door. “No, no, I’m fine.” I said. He rushed over. “My slip just came down.” I quickly collected it. I managed to depart graciously. I was embarrassed to no end.
#1045
I started out on my usual 5 mile run. I turned onto a dirt trail and suddenly was on the ground, face down making a dirt angel. I tripped on a rock, and it happened so quickly that there was no time for me to react. I bounced up like nothing happened, and looked around to see if anyone was watching. A dozen or so runners from the university track team were out training, and had witnessed my experiment with gravity.
They stopped, and I asked me if I was okay. After they had passed, I was feeling a bit light-headed from jumping up so fast. I have a tendency to faint easily. I crouched down next to the fence nearby.
I must have passed out, cause the next thing I know, someone from the road was calling to me from their car, asking if I was all right. I said I was fine, and thank you for asking. As she waved and drove away, I glanced down at the ground. To my horror and relief, right next to where my face had planted when I passed out was a big pile of dog pooh! And therein lies proof of the existence of God: The fact that I was looking at it, instead of laying in it.
#1044
I’ve taken up laundry. I do the things that I can still accomplish with my limited vision, and then T does the others. One thing that confused me was she had this dryer with no lint screen to empty. I had looked several times, and couldn’t find the lint trap. I figured that’s a nice feature to have: an automatic version that would just clear itself every load or two.
About five months later, I mentioned to T that it was great that there was this automatic lint cleaner on the dryer. I said I’d never seen one like that before. At first, she thought I was kidding. Then she looked at me and said, smiling, “Yeah. It’s great. Your automatic lint cleaner…is me!”
She had been emptying it for me, never saying a word. It was an older dryer, and the top surface of it was scratched up, so she covered it with a towel. Although I didn’t know this at the time, you had to lift the towel to find the lint screen. Since I’d never lifted it all the way off, I didn’t even know the lint slot was there. Now I don t have that excuse anymore.
Since then, I’ve noticed that automatic feature has disappeared. I guess I can’t play the “I’m blind” card on that particular issue anymore.
#1043
One afternoon, a few months after I was diagnosed with my eye disease, Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP), I was out running. As I was running, a vehicle slowed down, and then pulled up beside me. A woman peered out the window of her SUV and asked me if I knew where Unnamed Restaurant was. I did. My vision, not being what it used to be, I thought the woman asking for directions was a friend of mine joking around with me. So, I leaned into the window of the car, lightly slapped her across the face, and said, “Oh you!” Then, I turned and began my run again.
Well, it wasn’t my friend; it was a stranger. I didn’t realize this until the vehicle approached me again, and I heard the woman’s voice calling out again “Excuse Me. Excuse Me, Miss?” I stopped. I apologized profusely. In the midst of all this recognition and apology, I did manage to tell her that the restaurant was just up the hill, and she couldn’t miss it.But to this day, I still don t know what that woman was thinking, trying to flag me down again to get directions after I had just slapped her and all. Masochistic? Dumb? Or Brave? Or maybe she was just really, really hungry?
#1042
We needed business cards done in 2 days. So we schlepped to an office supply store with Luke in tow. Not sure where Hunky was. Anyway, we get there and the guy told us that it could take 2-3 weeks for the cards to come back. He told us how we can purchase our own blank business cards and pointed to an aisle and we took it from there. There were several cards to choose from. We had no idea what we were really doing.
Anyway, we stopped paying attention to Luke and somehow he crawled under a shelf and loosened the bolt on one side and it came loose. Half of the shelf came crashing down. All the paper goods that were on it were on the floor and Luke was stuck underneath. We finally had Luke freed but we were desperately trying to hold up the shelf so that more papers wouldn’t fall on the floor. People were looking at us and NOBODY was helping us. Finally, I just shouted out, “Somebody help us! We need help over here.” When the clerk finally arrived, he was so stunned at what he saw and basically told us just to leave it and he will clean it up. I still go in there now undercover with sunglasses on. Ha Ha. Is it all coming back?
#1041
NOTE: This is a joke, not a true story - no animals were harmed in the making of this =).
A girlfriend of mine lived next door to a family who had a rabbit, which was allowed to roam the yard. The girlfriend had a dog. Since neither the rabbit nor the dog honored its respective boundaries, there was constant tension and bad feelings as the dog kept trying to get the rabbit. My friend felt that the neighbor should constrain the rabbit; the neighbor felt that my friend should constrain the dog. Naturally, there was no love lost between these two neighbors.
One day the neighbor was out of town. My friend was in the kitchen when in walked her dog to present her with a present: The neighbor’s now dead rabbit. My friend panicked, grabbed the rabbit, gave it a bath and then gave it a nice fluffy blow-dry. She then sneaked over to the neighbor’s and carefully placed the rabbit back in its pen. When the neighbor came home they were horrified to see the rabbit back in the pen. Why? Because the rabbit had died of natural causes a few days before, and apparently the dog had dug up the dead rabbit. The neighbors moved.
#1020
These two people were talking and the lady said her cat does the dishes. The man, believing the story, said, “Your cat does the dishes!? How did you train him to do that?” The woman, smiling, and with clear sarcasm, replied, “Took me years.” The man, not truly disappointed, said, “Oh, well mine is only a year old so I guess I have a while to go.” The man actually believed the woman and was sad that his cat couldn’t do the dishes. I couldn’t help but laugh.
#1019
About a year ago I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. They took a urine sample. After several minutes of waiting, the doctor came into the room and said, “Well, we found blood in your urine.” “Hm,” I replied. “So, what does that mean?” I got a little worried. I knew that wasn’t good, but still wasn’t sure what it meant. I am used to the ‘good results’ from the doctor. “Well, we also found blood in everyone else’s urine today so you should be okay!” And here I was worried!
#1018
Every time my eighty-eight-year-old Mom went to the doctor, she would hire a van service to take her there and then have them take her back home when she was finished with the appointment. One late afternoon the van didn’t show up. Since the doctor had to close the office for the day, the receptionist suggested that Mom wait for the van in the pizza parlor downstairs. The receptionist took her there, bought her a soft drink and called the van to make sure they were coming. My Mom waited and waited but the van never showed up. So she went up to the counter and asked if they deliver. The guy behind the counter replied, “Of course we deliver, lady. We’re a pizza place, aren’t we?” Great. my Mom said, “I want a pepperoni pizza and I want to go with it!
#1015
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
#1011
My dance teacher and I were talking about the different hours she works at the studio each day of the week. On one night, she has an hour break and was talking about moving some kids into that slot and I asked if they were free also at that hour. She said, “Yeah they have a break too. That’s when they run around and play dark tag.” This was so funny to me though,because I heard “dork tag” and it would be so like my dance teacher to call their game “dork tag”
#1010
Last summer I took my 10 year old twin sons to Chinatown for the first time. While they weren’t too impressed by the restaurants or gift shops - one of my sons was intriged by the tub of tiny turtles an elderly Chinese woman was selling whilst sitting outside her gift shop. How much for the turtles we asked “3 dollar , turtle 3 dollar.” She also had an assortment of Siamese fighting fish. “How much for the fish” my son asked. “Fish 5 dollar.” My other son, not interested in buying anything, but just looking - noticed one of the fish was floating on his back. He’s dead, he tells me. Well tell the woman. He tells the woman, ” Um excuse me this fish is dead.” She replys dead fish 3 dollar.
#0009
I steam clothes and last week I was steaming a dress. In order to steam all layers, I had to left it up and separate the layers. This woman came up behind me and asked, “You see anything nice up there?!” After being slightly scared from the sudden voice, I began to laugh and she did as well, for several minutes.
#0008
I was listening to this story about someone who had become paralyzed. It was a very sad description and I felt bad for the individual. Then, the person telling the story said, “Yeah, it sucks, but he became a lemon.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
#0007
I was talking to a several people about the economic situation and our current job situations as well. This one person, with satisfaction, said, “Well, I’ve got a decent job and I’m not going anywhere!” I responded, with a laugh, “And that’s something to be proud about?”
#0005
I was with some friends the other night in my backyard. We heard a very strange noise coming from the woods, that sounded like something unfamiliar to us all. We thought it might be a dying animal. My one friend said, “I thought about mimicking the noise, but decided not to because it might come charging out of the woods right for me!” My other friend said something like, “Yes, except it’d be limping and moving rather slowly.”
#0002
I was walking towards my friend’s car, which was parked across the street from my house. As I got on the sidewalk a gentleman approached me from behind his fence. I briefly glanced and continued, figuring he was doing yardwork. “You want a bunny?” I thought he was joking, so I began to smile. I turned around, asked what he said, and he repeated, “You want a bunny?” He was holding a bunny in his arms! He said he found it and didn’t know what to do with it. I declined.
Updated: August 28, 2009
