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#1146
My daughter often visits my office and over the years got to know many of my co-workers. She had a particularly close relationship with one of my friends, who happened to retire recently.
To keep in touch, myself and my daughter met up with her for lunch one afternoon. Delainey said, “Donna, next time I come to the office, can I get a treat out of your desk?”
Donna said, “Remember, I don’t go to work anymore.”
My daughter said, “Oh, that’s right; ‘you’re recycled.’”
My friend replied, “Well, pretty much!”
#1142
We were out eating at one of our favorite restaurants, where my 4 year old daughter is a celebrity =), earlier this week and the chef stopped at our table to tell us about the new ice cream flavors he had created.
My daughter asked him if he liked the new flavors and he told her that he couldn’t eat them because he has diabetes.
My daughter responds that “My daddy can’t have ice cream either (I am lactose intolerant), because he has ice creambetes.” Needless to say, all of the adults within earshot were laughing hysterically.
#1141
When I caught my five-year-old son picking his nose he denied it vehemently: “I’m not PICKING my nose, mama, I’m TRACING it!”
#1140
I received my 10 year old son, Dekon’s report card and couldn’t believe it when I saw he had a lot of D’s. When asked why he had so many D’s, Dekon said “because it’s the 1st letter of my name!” (I think we’ll change his name to Aaron.)
#1139
Delainey decided that she really wanted a puppy and she reminded us of that fact almost daily for months. My husband finally told her that we already have 3 cats, so we couldn’t get anymore pets until one of them went to kitty heaven.
A couple days later, Delainey was playing in the kitchen and my husband noticed that she had a handful of pennies spread across the floor.
He told her to hurry and pick them up. She of course asked, “Why?”- as most 4-year olds do about 20 times a day. He responded, “Because if the cats eat them, they could choke and die.” Delainey jumped up and said, “And then we can get a puppy?!”
#1138
My daughter, 3 years old, about 10 minutes ago was counting in Spanish (which I didn’t know she could do) said…”uno, dos, tres, squato….” I think squato is my new favorite number!!
#1137
When my son was 4 and my daughter was 2 on Friday mornings I would sleep in until 8a.m. I had them trained, when they got up at 6a.m., to get an apple to eat and turn on Sesame Street until mommy woke up. On this Friday morning as I wandered out of my bedroom and on my way to make coffee I heard my daughter in the bathroom on the toilet screaming across the house, “Mom do you have a vagina like me?”
In disbelief under my breath said, “What?”
My son screams from the TV room, “She said do you…”
I quickly said to my son, “I heard what she said! Quiet.”
So I say to my daughter, “Yes.”
She then says screaming once again across the house, “Mom we are so lucky!”
My son says, starting an argument, ” Well I have a penis and we are lucky too!”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I just kept walking to the kitchen to make my morning coffee.
#1136
My daughter is hilarious when her teeth fall out. Kids learn so quick watching mom and dad. When she lost her first tooth she put a bunch of pennies, nickels and dimes in a snack baggie with her tooth to put under her pillow. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was leaving a tip for the tooth fairy. She got $20.00 for that tooth! She still leaves a tip for the tooth fairy.
#1135
The conversation if Elizabeth, a 6 year old, whines and says “I want this, I want that”:
Mom: “And what does Mommy want?”
Elizabeth (rolling eyes): “Yea yea, I know; World peace. But I really do want skittles!
#1134
To another jungle gym occupant, she said very factually: “Hi, my name’s Elizabeth, but you can call me Your Majesty.”
#1133
My kid had one last night that had me laughing. My 12 year old had double braided her 8 year old sister’s hair. When I got home, she asked me to take them out. I asked why. She explained that she didn’t like the bumps of hair on the side. I told her that I thought it still looked cute. She looked in the mirror and said, “Mom, it looks like I have four ears and I m trying to hide 2 of them.” I couldn’t stop laughing because she was right.
#1132
Back in mid-December 2008, New Hampshire experienced a very intense ice storm which left hundreds of thousands of people without power for weeks. After several days, we returned home to the horror of the storm: down power lines, damaged homes, and rotten food.
As we were driving around, we came upon a utility crew. We had to stop and wait because trucks were blocking the road.
My then three year old son asked, “What are those guys doing?”
I said, “They’re working.”
He replied, “No, they’re not, they’re talking.”
How true! (He was right) Kids really call it like they see it.
#1131
My 3 year old had a long t-shirt on, so I couldn’t tell if he put a pullup on after going to the bathroom. (He still sleeps in them.) Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: “Do you have a pullup on?”
Him: “On my head? No. On my bottom and wee wee, yes. Daddy, if I had a pullup on my head, I’d be “pullup man.” He’s a super hero who helps kids find their pullups.”
#1130
I brought home chocolate doughnuts for my family. This was such a treat for them but I was unhappy about something my five year old daughter, Charlotte, had done. I told her that she would not be able to have a doughnut and she stomped up the stairs. I started to hear things moving around her closet - things being dragged around, and knew that she was packing her bags!
My husband came home asking me if everything was okay, after seeing the look on my face. I told him that Charlotte was upstairs packing her bags. As we both got upstairs I see her small suitcase on my bed and notice my clothing in her suitcase. Charlotte had decided that I was the problem and was packing me up to leave the house!
#1129
My 9-month old loves cell phones. He loves pushing buttons, and watching the screen change. My husband handed my son an old “deactivated” phone that still had a charge.
My son pressed the auto-dial for my number (coincidence or mommy-love, you decide). Of course, the call didn’t go through. He tried again, still didn’t go through.
My husband and I were joking about this, when we heard a muffled voice coming from the phone. I took the phone from my son, and put it to my ear, “Metro Police, how can I help you?” said the woman on the other end (that is how we discovered that emergency numbers work even on “deactivated” phones). After trying mom twice with no results… my son had called the police!
#1128
Matthew had to bring an apple to school. Mike’s dad had given him an apple off his apple tree. It was green with spots, not very pretty. So I put a red shiny apple and the green spotty apple into his bag. The teacher asked whose green apple and Matthew would not own up to it. He was mad I put it in his bag and embarrassed of it. The teacher then made a big deal of how special the apple was. He finally owned up to it.
#1127
My daughter washed out my granddaughter’s mouth with soap for saying one of those forbidden words. Unfortunately, my granddaughter didn’t understand the punishment. She told my daughter, “Mom, you’ve got to get better-tasting soap!”
#1126
When I was seven months pregnant with my youngest daughter, my then four year-old daughter was watching me get dressed. I made a remark about my “gigantic” belly, which she looked at and replied eagerly: “You’re right, Mommy. Your belly IS gigantic. It’s almost as big as your butt!”
#1125
My oldest daughter Hayley was three years old when we started going to a local educational toy and book store weekly. One day I bent down to read the titles of the books on the bottom shelf, and from behind I hear a long winded passing gas noise that my Hayley got quite good at imitating. Then I hear her say — “Mommy you farted!”
I stood up and turned around to see other moms and children staring at me with Hayley covering her mouth to stop from laughing. Still shocked I said, “I did not!” I never experienced a practical joke from her before and was quite surprised that she did this at such an unexpected time. Her timing was perfect and my reaction exactly what she wanted. She was so proud of herself!
#1124
When my very stubborn son was three and we were attempting to potty train him, he very defiantly announced one day that he was not going to go potty on the big boy potty unless GOD told him to. While trying to stifle my laughter, I told him that God was speaking to him through his mommy and daddy and that he had better listen! He did … finally … but I think he was still secretly waiting for that burning bush to appear in the bathroom.
#1123
During a bad storm, Matthew asked if there was going to be a potato (tornado).
#1122
On the way to get ice cream sundaes, my five year old asked me, “Mom, when I eat the cherry, can I eat the antenna, too?”
#1121
My daughter cracked her first joke at only one. She had pulled a stuffed animal out from a big stack loaded on a hammock and they all started tumbling down. The very last one to hit the pile on the floor was a big stuffed cow. She looked at me with a big grin, attempted to wink (which of course was just a big blink) and said, “COW-BOOM!” (Playing off the phrase “ka-boom.”)
#1120
Matthew told me today that he was in the back yard and nobody was with him and he almost saw God.
#1119
“I’m working with the kids and I notice all over the crayon box it says ‘non toxic’,'non toxic’. When is Crayola just going to step it up and write, ‘Delicious’?”
#1118
My son, Alex, age 4 (age 3 at the time of the incident). TV addict and shameless mimic. My wife and I are watching TV one evening. Alex is playing with his little cars. Suddenly and without warning, he runs up, gets in our faces and screams, “Face it, I’m not getting into college!”
#1117
A few years ago my wife and I were invited to an elegant dinner party at the home of the owner of a large chain of Mexican restaurants. The people were not only friends, but had bought some of my art for their collection. My wife was wearing a designer’s signature wrap dresses to the party and since she is very fit –no need to wear a bra.
We were sitting around having after dinner drinks when the host couple’s 4 year old son came in and sat on my wife’s lap. All of a sudden, he pulled open my wife’s wrap dress exposing her somewhat generous breasts and announcing loudly “cheechees !!” (Mexican slang for breasts). Well as you might expect, time stopped. I do not know who was more embarrassed, my wife or the kid’s mom.
#1116
I have two grandsons that started t-ball and I now know that the uniform is more important than the game. The five year old was so excited for his first game, before he left the house he asked his mother if he was going to the game all nice and clean and when he came home if he would be all dirty.
The four year old was so excited to show me his uniform that in his haste he only put on the hat, showed me the t-shirt, and stated ” Grammie, you should see when I put on my shirt and hold my glove, it looks real!”
#1115
When nephew, Sam, was still a little kid my sister had troubling getting him out of bed. One particular morning my sister was using her normal ploys. He grumbled, complained, whined as usual, and said, “I wish Babe Ruth would bomb my school!” Well, what he meant was “Beirut.” It was during the first Gulf War campaign and he must have heard a news story about what was going on in Beirut!
#1106
I’ve been a full time stay at home dad for my children’s entire lives (12 years), and my wife has always worked full time. We live next to a university, and one morning while walking my 4yr old to pre-school we were talking about how her mom would be home from a business trip in 2 days.
We then started joking about how she would miss ME if I went away for a week to go to work, and she looked up at me and said, “But dad’s don’t go to work.” I heard a huge laugh right behind us, and when I turned around there was a college student who had obviously been listening to the whole conversation and he thought it was pretty funny how seriously my daughter said that!
#1105
Matthew was watching our wedding video and asked if I missed him a lot while I was at the wedding. When I explained he wasn’t born yet, he asked, “Where was I?” and I said, “You were a twinkle in my eye.” He asked which Eye?
…AND…
Matthew came home from school today and said that a little boy in his class smelled like poop. But then he realized it was just gasoline!
#1048
When I was in college I went to have my car inspected. I was taking instructions from the mechanic; he asked me to show him my directionals– convinced it was a trick question to fail me I stuck my arm out the window and attempted the bikers turn signal (arm up, down - straight) — the guy chuckled and walked over to my window and asked me to turn on my blinkers….. I was very embarrassed — 20 years later my friends still pee their pants when the story comes up.
#1047
At the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, my three-year old daughter went potty by herself; a BIG girl indeed. She then lined up for a front row look at a live astronaut exhibit. It was obvious that we still had a little potty training to do when my little darling lifted up her skirt and 50+ audience members behind her got a view of the “moon” they never expected. Pull up those panties!
#1016
When I was young, my parents used to take me and my sisters fishing. One time, I was with my mom, we were going down this really, really steep slope. My mom was at the bottom at the edge of the lake. I made my way to the bottom. Since it was such a steep slope, I was cautious in going down it making sure I went down slowly. I guess the slope was just too steep for me, and I ended up running into the lake because I couldn’t stop at the bottom. I thought I would get in trouble, but my mom started laughing–she thought it was funny. Glad I didn’t get in trouble and that we could laugh about that.
#1012
I teach several little girls’ dance classes. There is one 3 year old girl who is very very smart and uses good vocabulary. I am always amazed at the things she knows. The girls like to play freeze dance and “dance like an animal” of their choice. This little girl picks animals like pegasus, unicorns, orcas and my favorite - a gazelle. She pronounced it “giselle” though, and when I asked her to explain to the class what a gazelle does she said, “They bounce!” A child’s knowledge is vast, and adorable.
Updated August 28, 2009
