Travel Archives
Go back to All Archives
Travel Archives
#1110
When I was 13 I was about to travel to Atlantic City but needed a bathing suit. I was a very fat kid and my old bathing suit didn’t fit me so my mother gave me money to buy a new one. I went to the local department store, picked out a bathing suit and took it to the cash register.
“Did you try it on?” the clerk asked.
“No,” I said, “I’m sure it will fit.”
“If it doesn’t fit, you can’t return it. I know your mother, she’ll be very angry with you and us, so go to that changing room and try it on.”
She pointed to a corner of the store that had a few doors. I walked over and stood for what seemed like hours in front of one door. Finally I burst through the door, kicked off my sneakers, dropped my pants and pulled the bathing suit up. But, it was too small and got stuck half way up my legs. I pulled one side then the other. I panicked; the sweat starting pouring down. I was so nervous that someone might come in and see me naked. Then I noticed I wasn’t in the changing room, but the window of the department store. I pulled the swim trunks on in two seconds.
#1108
My husband and I were in Tahiti shooting a documentary called “Full Cycle: A World Odyssey,” a mountain-bike travel adventure about a couple (guess who?) in search of the world’s best trails. After a difficult day of shooting a mountain-bike ride on Mt. Orohena, one of the other riders, Steve, and I decided to moon the rest of the production team, which were descending in a truck to a spot where Steve and I were waiting with our bikes.
It was dusk, just the right time for our “moons” to shine, and when we saw a pair of headlights coming towards us, Steve and I both dropped our bike shorts and bent over. Imagine our surprise when we saw the astonished faces of the driver and his passenger… This was obviously not the truck carrying our buddies. No, this time the joke was on Steve and me.
#1107
Moving to Costa Rica on little more than a whim & the possibility of a teaching job, I began chatting with nervous excitement to the middle-aged Costa Rican gentleman to my left. My mistake was attempting to do so in Spanish, a language I hadn’t spoken in years and ~ truth be told ~ never very well. When asked how I was, I enthusiastically replied, “Bien, pero estoy casada” which, I thought, meant “Good, but I’m tired.”
My travel companion suddenly became quite animated and excited. He then tapped the shoulder of the woman in front of him; his mother. Introductions are made, many questions are asked of me, and I am quickly in way over my head in Spanish, trying my damnedest to figure out how to politely extricate myself from the conversation.
“Bien, pero estoy casada” means “Good, but I’m single.”
“Bien, pero estoy caNsada” means “Good, but I’m tired.”
If I hadn’t feigned sleep for the rest of the flight, I might have arrived in Costa Rica as “Mrs. Seat 7A” (I don’t recall my seatmate’s actual name) with a husband and mother-in-law in tow.
#1104
My husband, Mark, and I went on a cruise from San Diego to three port cities in Baja, Mexico. The night before we landed in Puerto Vallarta, the ship had a “Hot Legs” contest featuring all the men who were fearless enough to walk up and down a “catwalk” in their shorts. I convinced Mark to do it, although he did not need too much convincing. When he strutted his stuff, all our new friends and I made such a roar that he ended up winning the contest. He won a bottle of champagne.
When we landed in Puerto Vallarta, we went to the outskirts of town to a place with a waterfall and a pool where we frolicked with great abandon. Little did we know that the place was infested with micro-biting insects known as “No-see-ums” which bit both of us up one side and down the other. The next day Mr. Hot Pants and I both suffered from big red itchy welts that covered our legs. We both ended up wearing long pants for the rest of the cruise.
#1103
In addition to working in PR, I also write scary books. Years ago, I went to a horror writer’s convention in New Orleans and when I arrived at the airport, I suddenly realized I had forgotten the name of the hotel! So, I went to the customer service desk and asked if they knew where the horror convention was being held.
The young woman behind the counter looked at me with a raised eyebrow and said, “WHORE convention? You mean they have their own convention now? Like they aren’t getting enough business from other conventions!” “No, no, no!” I replied. “I said HORR-OR convention. Scary books, stuff like that!” About a dozen people eavesdropping broke out laughing. And fortunately, one of them was another attendee of the horror convention, and I shared a taxi with her to the hotel.
#1102
I was in Malaysia and went golfing. As my caddie and I walked up the fairway, I noticed a group of monkeys over in the right rough. I thought, “How totally cool is THAT?!” I asked the caddie if they ever stole the golf balls. He said no. Now we can’t find my ball. I look over at the monkeys, sure enough one is staring at us with my ball in its mouth. I’m amused by it. But the caddie isn’t. He grabs my driver out of my bag and starts chasing the monkey with it! Swinging it at the poor thing and screaming!
Finally he retrieves the ball from the poor traumatized little creature and I tell him I have plenty more golf balls -the little monkey could have kept it. I play out the hole. In order to tee off on the next hole I had to walk back toward where the monkeys were. And they were all there - staring at me. They all start walking toward me; slowly. I’m telling them to keep their cool, no trouble here… They start screeching, showing their teeth and running at me! I let out a little school girl squeal (thank GOD none of my buddies were there, I’d never hear the end of it!) and start running the other way. I see the caddie up in the fairway, laughing. I wasn’t.
#1101
Several years ago, my wife, Penny, and took a delayed honeymoon trip to Ireland. When we arrived at the check-in counter we were told we would be unable to sit together in Economy Class. We asked to speak with her manager. Years earlier, I worked as a professional staff member of the United States Senate, and I remember the clout and cache that job carried with it. When the manager presented himself, I informed him that I was staff director of the Senate Subcommittee on Transportation, which that very week was holding hearings on airlines passenger policies and performance. I told him that I would share with my boss, a senior U.S. Senator, how our honeymoon had begun on a very unhappy note.
He asked to us to wait and huddled with his agents. He then apologized profusely and assured me that the problem had been resolved. He handed me our ticket envelope and we boarded the plane. Our seats were upgraded to business class! The flight attendant guided us to our seats, where two glasses of champagne were awiting for us. We were treated to a full bottle of champagne during the flight and an in-flight message from the Captain, welcoming us on board and wishing us a happy honeymoon in Ireland. Everyone on board applauded.
#1100
I was traveling in Southeast Asia with my husband. Following a lot of confusion around which bus to get on, we were on our way. The bus filled up quickly. We had seats, but there were many people packed in around us like sardines. Suddenly I started to feel nauseous. At first, I figured it was just the heat and crowded conditions and it would pass, but it kept getting worse and worse. I told my husband I thought I was going to get sick, “what am I going to do-I’ll throw up on all these people”.
He emptied our daypack just in time! There was not much room to move but I managed to tuck my head down into the bag, then heaved and heaved. The poor people around me! It did not smell very good. Finally, our stop arrived. We squeezed our way through the people, horrified to realize that a stream of liquid was leaking from the bag as we went (carrying our belongings in our arms). Once off the bus, we threw out the little back pack, had a laugh about how gross that was, and continued on with our plans 
#1099
Once when I was travelling in France I went up to a woman on the street in a provincial city and asked her “O’ est le guerre?” She looked disoriented for a moment and then chuckled. I quickly realized my mistake - I had meant to ask her where is the train station (“O’ est la gare?”) but instead asked her where is the war!
#1094
I was driving with my three kids to FLA, they were all toddlers. I was alone because my husband hates to drive. I was finally able to get the 2 and 3 year old to fall asleep and my 4 year old was happy. And so I was set to get some miles behind us when I realized I had to pee really, really bad. Stopping at a rest center and wake them up was so unappealing. Leaving them in the car was not an option (although tempting) So I asked my daughter to pull out a pull-up and pass it on up. I was able to get it where it needed to be and continue on my way. This was before the crazy-Astronaut did this…
#1093
I went to Iceland to meet a new client, Thor. Thor was in the process of buying a new Icelandic horse. We went to a field in Akureyri, he points out a brown horse, grabs a saddle and trudges through mud up to his ankles to saddle up. Once astride the animal, it takes off like a shot down the road, almost out of sight. Within a few seconds, he muscles the animal to return.
“Want to try to ride her?” he asks.
Like the fool that I am, I answer, “Sure why not?” I figure I know how to ride. After all, didn’t I take the kids on a trail ride once on the rim of the Grand Canyon? Didn’t I once participate in an evening ride to a luxury dinner tent at Keystone?
I saddle up and within a few seconds, the horse takes off like a bullet with me holding on for dear life. I was trying to think of the Icelandic word for “whoa,” but all that could come to mind were the few phrases I learned just the night before in an Akureyri nightclub: “Hi, my name is Jeff. Want to dance?”
About a quarter mile down the road, despite my best efforts to turn, to stop, to get this pint-size mastodon to take a piss – anything - I get thrown to the ground. Thor picks me up in his Range Rover with the giant glacier-trekking studded tires and we go straight to the local hospital. I had bruised a kidney and was forced to spend the next two days lying in my hotel room, popping pain pills like M & M’s.
#1092
My wife and I went to Paris. She speaks fluent French, but my language skills are very limited. She decided to take a picture of a police car when an officer approached her. I had no clue what they were saying, but I knew, by the yelling, that it was not good.
It was illegal to take the picture. She kept asking, “But why?” The officer kept telling her, “It just is.” They kept arguing. The officer finally reached for his handcuffs.
At this point, I panicked thinking that she is going to jail and I will have no way of knowing how to get her out. Selfishly, I am also thinking “how am I going to get back to the airport if she is in a French prison for breaking some weird law.”
Luckily, I am also a police officer and I showed him my ID. He says in English, “This crazy lady wants to take a picture of a police car and I keep telling her that it is illegal.” I told him that the crazy lady WOULD NOT take a picture of the car if we could just go on our way. He started laughing and we started talking about police work. He ended up giving us a tour of the local police station. My wife never did get the picture.
#1091
Driving alone from Weston, Connecticut to Denali National Park, Alaska, I admit that I didn’t do a lot of pre-planning. One very long day after hours of driving through beautiful yet desolate landscape, where the only living things I saw walking around were on four legs, I was quite thrilled to spot a portable potty perched high on a promontory overlooking a beautiful mountainside. It was a windy, overcast night and as I opened my door, a gust of wind shoved me back into the car. I was startled but determined to use the facilities. Walking the 10 yards to the potty, the wind was quite strong in that open area. I had to push the door open with all of my weight.
Within moments of my becoming somewhat comfortable the potty started to rock back and forth. My immediate reaction was to yell out, “Occupied! I’ll be right out.” The only answer came from the howling wind which seemed to be shooting up from underneath the potty and out through the vented ceiling. Then the rickety structure shook so badly I thought it was about to turn completely over or take off. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, about to leave Kansas. I bolted from the porta-potty and reassembled my outfit in the safety of my car as I heard a loud crack and watched the portable potty suddenly lift from its base and topple down into the valley below.
#1090
I was in a hotel room, talking to my sister on the cell phone while I put on makeup to give a speech. I got mascara in my eye, so I reached over the toilet to get some tissue. Sure enough, I blinked, and the cell phone dropped into the toilet. Oh thought my God, all my phone numbers are on that and reached in and grabbed it soaking wet, and managed to dry it off and finish my conversation. UCk and it was a hotel toilet. It is still my cell phone. I have since read that your cell phone has more bacteria than a toilet. Strangely, that is not a comforting thought and my sister still teases me about talking on the phone near the toilet.
#1089
In my rush to get ready and out the hotel door and drive over to give a speech at a convention I decided to leave my big pink sponge curlers in my hair and take them off when I got to the speech. It was raining outside I reasoned. This way my hair wouldn’t t get frizzy. When I got to the convention hotel I looked in the rear view mirror of my car and took out all the curlers. Well, I thought I got them all. At the end of the luncheon I got up to leave the table and get ready for my speech and heard a woman at the table shout. You have a pink curler on the back of your head! Everyone turned around to look. But the most embarrassing thing was that my speech was on First Impressions. The convention head thought it was so funny he told the story before he introduced me as the pink curler girl!
#1070
My husband and I went to Tahiti for our honeymoon. He slept the entire 8 hour flight. Me, not so much. In fact, not a wink. We went to check in and realized that we were too early for check in. We decided to grab a quick bite to eat. It was just as our brunch was being served that I quietly laid my head on my arm and fell fast asleep at the restaurant table. Great way to start a perfect honeymoon!
#1069
While on a business trip to St. Petersburg, Russia I walked into a small department store. I noticed three very attractive, well dressed women meandering around the store. They stood out not only because of their good looks but because they had dark skin, maybe Armenians. A little later one of them bumped into me and I did not pay much attention to the incident because the store was somewhat crowded.
This was 1994 and the new Russia was still in deep trouble. One problem was toilet paper. You could not buy it and there was none in the men’s rooms of restaurants or other public places. I always took a roll with me from the U.S. on each of my visits to Russia. This was also a time when crime was rampant all over Russia.
As I walked out of the department store I noticed that the envelope of toilet paper, from my back pocket, was missing. Ahead of me were the three elegant ladies who turned around and glared at me. They were pickpockets and very disappointed in the loot they stole from me.
#1068
I had a brief layover in Atlanta on my way to a warm, tropical vacation with my husband. I was carrying a purse along with a small camera bag. After I got off the plane, I rushed to the restroom, locked the stall, and hung both bags on the hook. After I pulled my pants down, I realized I had forgotten to put down a paper seat cover, so I quickly turned around and bent down to place one on the toilet seat. Unbeknownst to me, while doing so I had bumped that blasted camera bag which happened to be resting right against the stall lock.
This minor bump caused the bag to push back the lock so the door slowly swung open while I was busily protecting myself from the unseen germs that lurk in public bathrooms. It was only after I felt cold metal touch my bare bottom and I turned that I realized the crowded women’s restroom in Concourse A had gotten a free peepshow. Humiliated, I quickly shut and locked the stall, moved the camera bag, and waited for nearly 15 minutes before I left the restroom to avoid having to make eye contact with anyone unfortunate enough to have seen that side of me.
#1067
I traveled to the Dominical region of Costa Rica to celebrate my 40th birthday. I along with 10 of my friends spent a fantastic week in paradise. Before arriving to our final destination, a remote Villa high in the mountainous jungle between San Isidro and Domincal, we spent 5 hours in a shuttle van. The journey would take nearly 5 hours along a dark, rainy, exceptionally winding mountainous road. It also didn’t help that our driver wasn’t 100% certain as to the Villa’s location. So, around and around we drove in the high elevations.
After four hours of sitting in the very back seat and smelling an occasional waft of diesel exhaust, the birthday girl began the chain reaction vomiting. Thankfully I was able to get our driver to stop in time as I maneuvered my way over baggage and friends to exit our chariot. Once out of the van, I looked up and saw that we had stopped in front of a restaurant with a large patio where people were enjoying their evening. I quickly ran behind the shuttle to preserve the restaurant patrons dinner outing. My two friends on the other hand were not quite as forgiving as they completely blew right in front of the diners. Oh well - - so much for trying!
#1066
Just out of college, I was on a year long, round the world tour. While touring on my bike on the south Island of NZ, the popular activity was getting as much as you could eat, for as cheap as possible. A group of us where in a cheap Italian restaurant on Pig Alley in Christchurch, NZ. The family across from us had finished their meal, leaving plates full of spaghetti. Making the most of the opportunity, I slide into the booth to finish of some free carbohydrates.
About 6 bites into my free meal, noodles hanging from my mouth, I look up into the eyes of the father. Slowly, he reaches across the table, picks up his hat and turns around without comment. My friends died laughing as I finished the last of the marinara with some left over bread. : P
#1065
I was once on a flight from Seattle to Tampa and was seated in a first-class window seat. The aisle seat was soon commanded by a seemingly arrogant 40ish businessman, who just took over his seat and some of my space, spreading his “stuff” about. He demanded his pre-flight cocktail from the flight attendant, offering no thanks upon receipt, and so I chuckled to myself when, two minutes later, upended the drink into his lap, causing him great alarm and a soggy lap and seat!
The flight attendant proceeded to provide towels but the extent of the spill required him to move. (I secretly said YES!) There was a seat right in back of me, and he moved to that. He proceeded again to noisily arrange all his important documents, papers, laptop, etc. It was then that, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something slowly slithering between my seat and the window. It startled me and when I turned to look, it was his sock foot shoved beside my window, almost paralleling my face!
My first inclination was to laugh! My second inclination was to find anything sharp (this was pre-9/11) and jab it into his sock. But my third inclination won out and I pushed back hard into my seat three times and he got the message and withdrew it.
#1064
In mid-2002, not long after 9/11 when airport security was newly an issue, I flew on the Delta shuttle from Boston to New York with a CEO-client. As we walked through the metal detector the TSA screening agent motioned for me to come over to the conveyor belt as he examined my briefcase.
He riffled through a makeup bag I kept inside it, then promptly lifted out a tampon and held it up for all to see as my 6’4” male client stood next to me, suddenly looking away and pretending as if this never happened.
Yeah those TSA folks are really sharp. Despite the risk of terrorism, sometimes a tampon is just, a tampon.
#1063
Several years ago, I was in the Czech Republic, riding the mass transit. I don’t speak the language and was really stressed out, worrying that I wouldn’t recognize the stop I was supposed to take to get off of the bus. The seats were all taken so I was standing in the aisle, hanging on to a pole. When the bus stopped to pick up some passengers, I put down my bag to reach in for a map.
Unfortunately, I didn’t act fast enough and before I could reach up and grab the pole again, the bus quickly pulled out onto the street, causing me to lose my balance and fall on my backside. The momentum of the bus moving forward actually forced me to roll backwards, down the aisle, landing in the door well.
Fortunately the doors were shut otherwise I would have rolled right out onto the street. Completely embarrassed, I looked up to see if anyone had noticed. They had. People were literally pointing and laughing at me and I had no idea what they were saying. Needless to say, at the next stop, I grabbed my bag and jumped off of the bus. Nightmare experience for a 17-year-old girl.
#1050
I recall being on a flight from Los Angeles to Chicago in order to attend my brother’s wedding with my two young boys, then aged 9 and 10. Ten minutes into the three and a half hour flight, my nine year old loudly passes gas and then turns to me and yells, “Hey mom, did you rip one?” in order to humorously place the blame on me. After everyone in surrounding seats turned and looked at me, I simply wanted to jump out the emergency exit.
#1049
I was on a cruise to the Bahamas with my family a couple of years ago. They had a bunch of different things for entertainment and one night they had a Las Vegas style show. And I was sitting in the front row with my cousins.
The lights went off because the show was about to start, and a lady was still trying to find a seat. There was a little bit of space between me and the next person, but not enough for her to fit there. However, she thought she could and she ended up sitting on me. Then she said “Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there!” and walked away.
Updated August 28, 2009
