Jokes


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I guess I’m getting older. I was watching a couple making out on a bed in a porno and I was thinking, “Gee I wonder what their sleep number is.”

 

 

Margarine containers…don’t throw them out, cause poor people need tupperware too!!

 

 

People went crazy because Twitter was off the Internet. I guess the hired Bill Clinton to get it back.

 

 

If you ever come face to face with Chris Hansen (”To Catch a Predator”) in your kitchen…asking you to take a seat:

 

1. Dance into the room naked, show him your resume and credits and say…”I’m an out of work Actor, and this is the only way I can get National coverage.” Then break into song. 

2. Tell him you knew a TV show was going to burst in, but you thought you were helping with the show “To Catch a Teenage Wh*re”.

3. Come out with your own film crew and tell him that he’s on the new show, “To Catch a Newsman, who’s given up on REAL Journalism.”

4. Come out with your underfed pet Bengal Tiger and say…Chris looks like you’ve got a choice…Play a nice game of “Sigfield and Roy” or if you really want to catch a predator…go head”

 

 

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

 

 

Looks like Bill Clinton still knows how to get the girls.

 

 

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

 

 

I’m 64. I’d be older, but my father was shy.

 

 

Well, we finally have our black President. The burning question remains: When do we get our white Oprah?

 

 

Shopping at H&M is like the second layer of Husband Hell.

 

 

The sixties are the new forties. Think of it: Harrison Ford is 67. He’s making another movie. It’ll be called, “Indiana Jones and the Enlarged Prostate.”

 

 

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

 

A saying I’ve heard in the south that cracks me up every time: “…it was harder than a box of woodpecker lips”.

 

 

I don’t give a damn about apathy!

 

 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

 

 

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

 

 

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 

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These jokes were collected from many sources. Much appreciation is given to everyone that contributed, such as:

 

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Updated September 6, 2009

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