Jokes - Page 3


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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 

 

None stand so tall, as those who stand on someone else.

 

 

I’m a new age woman, every time someone asks my age, i give them a new one.

 

 

I’m a mother of 2. Okay, okay, one is my husband.

 

 

My son was doing his homework the other day and asked me what the opposite of comic is. I told him Bob Saget.

 

 

I was watching Pinnochio, and they had a warning about the dangers of smoking. Nothing was said about the dangers of taking advice from a talking fox.

 

 

One thing NOT to say to a Cop when he pulls you over…”I’m surpised you pulled my over, Dunkin Donuts has a 2 for 1 sale going on.”

 

 

Pick Up Line at a seniors center…”Hey what sign did you forget you were born under” OR “Nice teeth, can I hold them”

 

 

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’ll do with the money?”

 

He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him - he’s a smart alek when he’s drunk.”

 

The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

 

 

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

 

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

 

“What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop said, “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I
haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

 

 

A man was driving with his wife when an officer pulled him over for speeding.

 

“But I wasn’t speeding, officer!”
“Yes you were speeding,” his wife blurted out.
“Why don’t you be quiet?” the man yelled at his wife.
“And he went through a red light, too,” offered the wife.
“SHUT UP, WILL YOU?” shouted the man.
“Does he always talk to you that way, Madam?” asked the officer.
“No, only when he’s drunk.”

 

 

Criminals ARE influenced by television. 80% of the shoplifters who were caught were apprehended trying to steal TV Guides.

 

 

I’m so unlucky, if I had to use a police whistle I’d probably be arrested for disturbing the peace.

 

 

Now there’s a refrigerator for dieters with no willpower. You can open it as often as you want, but if you take any food out, it has a device that punches you in the mouth.

 

 

I just read an interesting statistic. Right now there are only 167 roller coaster rides in the entire world — 166 if you exclude (LOCAL COMMUTER SERVICE).

 

 

A doctor at the Stanford Medical School announced he has discovered a new vaccine for swine flu. There is one annoying side effect: Death!

 

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”

 

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