I wouldn’t say don’t read this

 

Phil Woods and Steve Smith are two comedians that provide weekly content to Laughtub. They look at the funny side of language and why people say the things they do. To get free laughter like this, click here.

 

 

Hello! It’s lovely to be with you again and thank you for clicking on that last button to invite us into your life this week and into your home or office, or maybe even your trouser pocket. It’s surprisingly comfortable in here.

 

As always, we’ve spent this week listening intently to things people say, and regularly trying to conceal a wry smile which attempts to force its way across our faces whenever someone says something perfectly normal to the majority of us, and yet is so silly when you think about it.

 

Phil’s wife Vicky had a friend visit them a few days ago. You know us Brits, any excuse for a cup of tea, so her friend was asked if she’d like one. She replied, “I wouldn’t say no”.

 

That’s a common phrase and yet on another level it’s so unusual. Why respond with an example of something you wouldn’t say, particularly as in doing so you end up saying it anyway? She presumably wouldn’t say ‘elephant’ either but for some reason chose not to offer that information on this occasion.

 

 

We can’t think of any other situation where people tell you that they wouldn’t say the opposite to what they’d like to say. If someone’s lost and they ask if they should turn left or right at the junction ahead, it’s a very strange person who would answer, “I wouldn’t turn right”, yet it’s quite acceptable to ‘not say no’.

 

We were chatting this week about another popular phrase: “I wouldn’t mind but…” This is used when someone is telling of bad news that has affected them, and they try to tell you that the news would have been totally acceptable but for something mildly related and yet completely insignificant. Here’s an example:

“I was woken up this morning by a big bang outside by house. I looked out of the window and saw that a car had run into mine. The driver ended up in hospital with a broken pelvis and my car was written off. I wouldn’t mind but I only washed it yesterday!”

 

What a cruel world! The injury and the scrapped car wouldn’t have been a problem if only that bucket of water hadn’t been wasted.

 

Before we go we’d like to tell you about two exciting things:

• First, an update on our book (details of which are below). We have a book signing event and an official launch on 10th October 2009 at the Borders store at Cheshire Oaks, a shopping complex in England (or shopping mall, as I believe they’re known in America. That word always reminds me of the phrase: Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.) Naturally, we’re looking forward to that.
• Secondly, Phil and I recorded some comedy sketches this week. We will be uploading them soon to our new website and have decided to tell Laughtub members about them before we tell anyone else. They’re only short but the idea made us laugh for ages and we really like the result. Look out for them next week.

 

Phil & Steve
Friday, September 18, 2009

 

Can you read?
‘Beat About The Bush: The Funny Side of Language’ by Phil Woods and Steve Smith is available now from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other good bookshops.

Read Phil and Steve’s Blog here.